A Word From Sir John (Alias the White Knight)

Lady Suz has asked me to contribute to her blog, so I reluctantly agreed, providing I could be politically incorrect and write from "the lighter side". I trust that my English humor will not offend and apologize in advance to those whose interpretation differs from the intent.

Where to start?.......I guess at the beginning....

If you ask me my idea of fun, it is NOT getting up at 4am and driving to Seattle to board a thin metallic tube which is hurtled into the air at six hundred and fifty miles an hour shaking like a 7.5 earthquake amid thought of instant disaster should the thing fall to earth. I understand the "black box" would survive. (why isnt the whole plane made from the same material?). The thought of 20 plus hours of travel was unappealing at best but Lady Suz was as enthusiastic as ever. Having been to England before, (ok, I was born there)  I must admit this trip was not a high priority on the "must do" list, were it not for #2 son residing there and offering free accomodation and all the wine we can drink, I may have opted for the grand canyon and Yellowstone which I have yet to see.

Anyway, we are off to see some of Jolly Old, Jolly Old, through Lady Suz's eyes primarily and as an aside through mine, so here goes.

Dateline London:

Airport.

Arrived safely at Thiefrow Airport London and cleared customs quickly and without incident except for the American who thought that the custom officer calling “next” meant him and not the fifty or so people ahead of him!.

We hurried to the baggage claim area to await our luggage.

Tourist Tip: When arriving or departing Thiefrow Airport keep valuables in zipped pockets and get to the baggage claim area ahead of the luggage and before the thieves.

When riding an elevator or boarding a bus or taxi make sure that your partner enters first, then the luggage then yourself. NEVER the luggage first. Work in pairs.

Our “on airport” car rental proved to be “off airport” but just a short bus ride. After checking in we proceeded to the parking lot where we were given a choice of vehicle, we chose the one with the biggest boot (trunk),and because it was black and ‘mean’ looking, a Skoda, a Czech/VW production vehicle.

River Trip.

The trip down the river Thames (The word Thames comes from the Latin “Effluentus Maximus”) Remember, it took the Brits a while to figure out that drawing drinking water from the river downstream of the introduction of fecal matter upstream was not a good idea, was advertised as “with running commentary” which consisted of an older person steering the boat and eating “biggy French fries”  while he spoke in a language similar to English. We saw swans, an overpriced house and a glimpse of a racecourse and a Salmon ladder up which Salmon migrate to escape the downstream water.

Tourist Tip: Speak English, most natural born Londoners speak some English and almost all of the foreign nationals who now reside in London speak and understand perfect English.

Dateline Windsor.

The castle was awesome, a tremendous monument to the class system, still prominent in some areas of Britain and in the minds of some southern English who insist on parking their Bentleys’ at the main hotel entrances rather than in the parking lot with the rest of the peons.  

Bed & Breakfast.

The B&B was very good, if a little strange, a huge bedroom with the bed built on its own floor about a foot higher than the main floor, a bit like sleeping on a funeral pyre. Same thing in the bathroom, the toilet and bidet sat on a raised floor. I think it has something to do with the English term “sitting on the throne”. I imagine it could be disastrous if one has had a few jars and needs to use the facilities during the night.

Driving to Windsor was a test!.....I haven’t driven on the “wrong side of the road” sitting on the “wrong side of the car” for quite a while, nor have I use a stick shift either.

The roads are generally too narrow, people drive like it’s a race and then there are, the “roundabouts” and female extremist Muslim terrorists wearing bhurkas’ so you can’t see their faces trying to ram into the side of your car as you enter these things.

The English government were peeked when people got used to driving around roundabouts so they have devised three additional types just to confuse the unsuspecting motorist.

Not satisfied with the usual grass and shrubbery laden roundabouts they came up with flying saucer shaped domes (basically speed bumps) of various sizes of about 6” high and 4’ to 10’diameter painted off white and with painted lines around them, if you run over the edges at speed, its possible, I think, to be on two wheels for a while.

Then there is the baby roundabout, this one is not raised at all, just a painted solid circle again with lines around it. I thought it amusing to see people driving around these things like they had broken glass on them!.

But then, after you feel you know how to hit them with speed and fly through them without a thought, they came up with the daddy of all roundabouts, this one has traffic lights (signals) halfway round !!!!!!

Dateline Yeovil.

We arrived in Yeovil just as the local soccer game was ended and the fans filled the streets forcing us to do a minor diversion to reach the town of Thorne, the road to which was approximately 10’wide. The B&B once found was very good except we were once more located on the second floor. Thank god Bill, the host, helped carry Lady Suz’s  400lb suitcase up to the room.

As we were leaving the B&B the hostess Kath, accompanied us to the parking lot where I commented that the car we rented was performing well, to which she replied “I wouldn’t be seen dead in a Skoda”, we hope not to be seen that way also.

Dateline Penzance.

Another day of racing across the South West after leaving Yeovil, I managed to avoid most objects except for a rubber garbage can which was obviously located way too close to the roads edge and I did shave a few hedges. The B&B was good as I am sure Lady Suz has mentioned and the theater performance that night was awesome, although I must admit I never imagined Iago with a Yorkshire accent or Othello a lisp.

Had my first pastie today in Looe Cornwall, wow, I could live on these things.

Our host today, ‘Hippie John’ was pleasant and helpful and the room was great. Cornish people have a strange accent, in some part due to the influx of Londoners who have interbred with the locals creating an "all right then" greeting which defies reasonable expectation in the deep south.
Lands End was as expected, a typical example of a lower extremity, a misty seascape, a lighthouse and devine clotted cream teas intermingled with parasitic merchants looking to lay claim to your last penny.
Tourist Tip: Don't ask about Jethro when in Cornwall, they either hate him or deny knowledge of him or else refer you to his brother who still lives locally and apparently is much funnier.


Back soon with more..Lady Suz permitting...